Difficult Conversation? Try It Again, This Time with Feeling

There’s an assertiveness technique that’s known by many names, but I know it as The Three F’s. The letters stand for Fact, Feeling and Future, and the technique is useful when you’re feeling too anxious to deal with someone about a subject that’s bothering you.

Let’s say it’s the boss you need to deal with. Here’s how it works. You go into their office. “Can I have a minute?” you ask, and the boss looks up, identifies who you are, and says, “Sure.” You sit down, to get yourself on the boss’s level, and you say, “There’s just something that’s been bothering me a bit, and I’d like to improve the situation.”

“OK,” says the boss. A little crease appears between their eyebrows.

You roll out the technique.

You start with a statement of fact: “When we’re in a meeting and I say something you don’t agree with, you sometimes refer to it as ‘really stupid’.” You continue with, “I feel quite humiliated when that happens, and it means I feel less motivated to talk in meetings,” expressing the feeling. You finish with, “I’d really appreciate it if you could stop referring to my ideas as stupid, especially in front of the team.” This is the future you hope for.

It’s a strong structure for making a point; you can really lean on it when you feel stressed about asserting yourself. You can script it and practice it beforehand, so that it rolls out more smoothly when you’re sweating on the spot.

Here’s the thing, though. Even though the feeling segment is designed to inspire empathy in the person you’re talking to, if they like deflecting responsibility it might not work. Someone who tells you your ideas are stupid in meetings might just say, “Oh, come on, you know I don’t really mean it.” If you’re the non-confrontational type, your assertiveness engine might stall.

What’s missing is a clear picture of the effect of the problem. To express this, you need to be a lot more expansive in the feeling segment, so that the boss feels it too. Adding five little words – “I’m sure you can understand” – and letting these words cue you to be more expansive, can often do the trick.

Maybe you’ll say something like this: “When we’re in a meeting and I say something you don’t agree with, you sometimes refer to it as ‘really stupid’. I’m sure you can understand that I feel quite humiliated when that happens.” [Pause. Wait. Very few people will jump in with, “No, I can’t in the least understand why being told your idea is stupid is humiliating.” If they nod, that’s great. If they don’t, nod yourself, as if their silence is clearly a yes. Then go on.] “Here’s what happens, you see. Not only am I less motivated to talk in meetings these days, I’m also concerned that the team is afraid of being told they’re stupid too. We want them to keep offering their ideas.” [You see how you’ve starting talking more inclusively here? Mentioning the whole team, not just yourself, and referring to yourself and the boss as ‘we’. Excellent work.] “I think it would be great for our brainstorming sessions to find a way to withhold judgment when we’re sharing. What do you think?”

If the boss’s behavior doesn’t change after you’ve made such an effort to communicate productively (if they tell you that idea’s stupid, for example), that’s a shame. But you’ve been brave, you’ve been helpful, you’ve given them a choice and they haven’t taken it. Pat yourself on the back. It’s a success for you. The failure is theirs.

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81587 Responseshttp%3A%2F%2Fblog.success.com%2Fdifficult-conversation-try-it-again-this-time-with-feeling%2FDifficult+Conversation%3F+Try+It+Again%2C+This+Time+with+Feeling2012-12-17+21%3A30%3A11Alison+Lesterhttp%3A%2F%2Fblog.success.com%2F%3Fp%3D8158 to “Difficult Conversation? Try It Again, This Time with Feeling”

1. Caleb says:

   May 11, 2013 at 4:33 pm

   This is a great tip especially to those new to the blogosphere.
   Simple but very precise info… Thank you for sharing this one.
   A must read article!

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   Reply
2. Why We Are Like Earworms, and What to Do About It. | Successology – Success Logic says:

   April 16, 2013 at 12:40 pm

   [...] Difficult Conversation? Try It Again, This Time with Feeling There’s an assertiveness technique that’s known by many names, but I know it as The… [...]

   Reply
3. Assertiviteit says:

   April 9, 2013 at 2:29 pm

   Great, I use a similar structure in my assertiveness trainings. What I like most about it is that using the first two F's, you avoid a discussion because it is about your observation and your feeling. When people realize this, it becomes easier to provide feedback to their peers.

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4. Tammi says:

   March 26, 2013 at 1:47 pm

   Very good article! We are linking to this particularly great
   article on our site. Keep up the great writing.

   [Reply]

   Reply
5. Kent says:

   January 23, 2013 at 5:29 pm

   I would use this:
   “When we’re in a meeting and I say something you don’t agree with, you sometimes refer to it as ‘really stupid’. I’m sure you can understand that I feel quite humiliated when that happens. I truly understand that you don't mean it, but it hurts my feeling.

   How about that?

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6. @MichaelToebeCMC says:

   December 20, 2012 at 1:34 am

   While I fully agree with encouraging people to be assertive (different from aggressive) I believe the approach stated in the article is very likely to inflame matters with a superior. It comes across, not as assertive, and maybe this is just me, but instead as angry. One would have a right to be upset but conveying that to a boss is probably going to prove counterproductive, don't you think? Maybe I just say that because I've been so bold as to calmly but firmly communicate this way in my past with clients and the results were, how do I write this, less than ideal.

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   Alison Lester Reply:
   December 24th, 2012 at 12:40 pm

   Thanks a lot for this comment, Michael. The interesting thing about reading conversations on paper, or on a screen, is that the reader attributes a tone of voice to them, don’t they? I don’t hear it as angry, myself. But I can understand why you do, of course. The type of conversation that I’ve recommended can certainly go pear-shaped, particularly if the tone comes across wrong. And that could be the speaker, or the perception of the receiver. With some people, there’s just no way to come across as productive if they’re not in the mood, is there? But the whole point of adding a bit more feeling – showing the listener the wider ramifications of what’s happening, in a way that is intended to be helpful – is to lower the likelihood of anger and raise the likelihood of empathy. It depends on the superior, and it depends on the timing, it depends on the energy you’re giving off, and more. When a difficult conversation like this goes badly for me, I ask myself whether it going badly means I shouldn’t have done it. Usually the answer is no. But again, it depends. I’d be interested in the experience of other readers as well, so I hope they’ll chime in too. Thanks again.

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   Alison Lester Reply:
   December 24th, 2012 at 12:40 pm

   Thanks a lot for this comment, Michael. The interesting thing about reading conversations on paper, or on a screen, is that the reader attributes a tone of voice to them, don’t they? I don’t hear it as angry, myself. But I can understand why you do, of course. The type of conversation that I’ve recommended can certainly go pear-shaped, particularly if the tone comes across wrong. And that could be the speaker, or the perception of the receiver. With some people, there’s just no way to come across as productive if they’re not in the mood, is there? But the whole point of adding a bit more feeling – showing the listener the wider ramifications of what’s happening, in a way that is intended to be helpful – is to lower the likelihood of anger and raise the likelihood of empathy. It depends on the superior, and it depends on the timing, it depends on the energy you’re giving off, and more. When a difficult conversation like this goes badly for me, I ask myself whether it going badly means I shouldn’t have done it. Usually the answer is no. But again, it depends. I’d be interested in the experience of other readers as well, so I hope they’ll chime in too. Thanks again.

   [Reply]

   Reply