Blog Topics, Darren Hardy, Experts, Relationships - Written by Darren Hardy on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 13:22 - 16 Comments
The Art of Chitchat
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I hate chitchat. Hate it.
I know I am probably (not probably, definitely am) an overly intense person. I want to be engaged in something that is meaningful and “on purpose” at all times—even when I am “off” and not working. To sit around and shoot-the-(well, you know) and talk about the weather, football scores or the latest celebrity gossip pains me beyond belief. Ask my wife: A conversation goes shallow, and I’ll go in the other room and read a book or find something else “productive” to do.
So when I know I am going into chitchat terrain (like holiday parties and family functions) I gear myself up and review my chitchat strategy.
Here is what I know for sure:
• People like to talk about themselves—a la Winning Friends and Influencing People.
• I really don’t like talking about myself or what’s going on in my life—I already know all that, and it bores me to hear myself talk about it. (And I know most people don’t really care; they are just waiting for their turn to talk about themselves. Seriously, no joke, see above point)
• I love to learn and am in constant pursuit of life’s distinctions. If I am going to engage in chitchat (heaven help me), I want to learn something. I want to walk away with a new idea, tip or distinction I didn’t have before the conversation. And I believe I can learn something from anyone.
• It’s up to me to make the conversation interesting. Considering the above (people really only want to talk about themselves, and I don’t, but I want to learn something), the key is to be ready with interesting and inquisitive questions. Anyone who knows me knows I am always asking questions (and it isn’t about Britney Spears or Snoop Dog news). The key is to have a series of great and insightful questions ready.
Want some help with creating great questions that get people talking about their greatest passions, hopes, dreams, ambitions and ideas?
If so, I will now give you my “on purpose” chitchat formula…
In my head, this is the FORMat I use to organize and keep the questions coming:
F—Family and friends
O—Occupation
R—Recreation
M—Money and meaning
Another tip: Ask specific and insightful questions, not ones that can be answered with “fine” or “good.” For example:
Not good – How’s you family doing? Or, How’s the job going?
Good – How have you seen your 4-year-old daughter’s personality open up and evolve over the last year? How has she surprised you the most?
Or, What adjustments have you made to your business the past year because of the economy? What worked and what didn’t? Looking back, what do you wish you had done differently?
Think about who you are going to be engaging with, and arm yourself with insightful and interesting questions in advance of stepping onto the front lines of the chitchat theater.
The result? As Dale Carnegie proved, you will be revered as a great conversationalist (even though you won’t be doing any of the talking); your chitchat companion will feel fabulously enriched (they got to talk about the things they love—themselves and their life and observations); and you might just learn something you can walk away with and use to improve your own insights and life. Everybody wins!
What are some of your best conversational questions? Share with us in the comments below.
Wishing you and yours a safe and happy holiday: Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Saturnalia and-or Boxing Day!
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16 Responses to “The Art of Chitchat”
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Classic Dale Carnegie.
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I’m showing this one to my husband, he never knows what to talk about at the gatherings we go to. That is his one big complaint and reason to not want to go. I’m hoping this well help and he will stop complaining for a week prior to the event.
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I’m the exact opposite, I love to chit chat! I find it interesting to find out more about the people I meet. I do have troubles at times breaking through to some people, and this article will help me. I know what types of questions I can ask when I meet people who do not like to chit chat.
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Great article Darren. Thanks for sharing the FORMat, I need it. We would learn nothing from our time taxing conversations unless we are willing to talk less and listen more.
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What a great article. I actually printed this one off. I need to be reminded that chit chat is good. Right now I’m looking for a job, and they say networking is the best way to find a new job. I need to learn how to chit chat a bit better so I can network!
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You know I hate idle chit chat too, I’m a busy man. I do know that it is important at times. I loved this article, it gave me things to talk about. It’s usually just how is the weather, now I have more to say!
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Thanks Darren for reminding me of the art of chitchat. I used to apply it in the past and it used to work well, as I am a listener by nature and not good in speaking. But I find that recently I talked more and listened to other people less.
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Best conversational qualities…. I hang on every word someone is telling me because I know I will be quizzed later. I seek out key words amidst the rambling chit chat to find out what that person finds interesting. “Tell me more about…..” This leads a person to start sharing thoughts, perceptions, insights, lessons, etc. It’s exciting to see the glow in a person’s eyes when they are revered as interesting. Everyone is interesting and has valuable life changing information to share. Besides, there are a lot of lonely people in this world that just want to be listened to for a few minutes. I’m up for learning a thing or two. AND, I’m unwilling to dismiss anyone.
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Darren, your articulations of observations and perceptions bring me a lot of relief. Up until I read your article, I thought there was something wrong with me.
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I have to admit that I love to chit chat and shoot the (you know). I also like to learn new things. I believe there is a time and place for chit chat and when I’m not in the mood I have no time for it.
I love the questions you ask, you are right, it’s up to us to make it interesting.
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I can completely relate to this—I hate shallow conversations about petty things. A lot of people think I’m arrogant because I don’t join in on conversations. I never thought to try to engage them in a different direction.
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I think that people take too much for granted, even other peoples time. I can not count the number of times people want to chat with me when I tell them I am busy but they still continue, and its nothing meaningful – instead its just a waste of time.
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Mmm… what you describe sounds a lot like an INTJ behaviour. I react like that in social environments and I really don’t know whether following Carnegie’s directions would help, but I do it naturally and I have been called things far from good conversationalist (challenging, forward, impertinent, inquisitorial, interested, intrusive, too personal, poking, probing, scrutinizing, snooping… and the lot.)
Like you, I feed on relevant, useful and interesting information but I think that social chitchat (specially with people you’ve met for the first time) is about exactly the opposite.
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Thanks, I could have used your insightful tips before our annual family Christmas Party. I have not seen some family members in the last year and I would like to get them to “open up” I’ll use your tips in the future.
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[...] See original here: The Art of Chitchat | SUCCESS magazine Blog [...]
Thank you Darren, I thought your blog very relavent as I am about to embark on a road trip to visit family and friends. I know that on many occassions I will be seeking solus from the meaningless conversation that tends to mark these events.I will keep the conversation tree top of mind.
Ross
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